Pretty...Socially Awkward.

When I started this blog I immediately knew everything I wrote would have some kind of entertainment, to make my readers want to laugh out loud in their cubicle at work. I am not sure if I have done so, part of me cares...part of me...just doesn't. I titled this blog: Pretty Socially Awkward and while you may think the title gives it all away, I feel it is something I should touch on because it effects me every single day of my life. I just started growing into my look, just started wearing high heels, wearing make up, kind of revealing clothes, and more bold when it comes to some things. But one thing that has not changed is the fact that I am socially awkward. Which is why I called it pretty socially awkward. I feel that I am good looking, dress fairly nice, I have a nice car. I should be outgoing right? WRONG. I have always wanted friends, girls in particular only because it is nice to have girl talks and go out and not have to worry about drama or being out of place. Going on 21, I still keep a wall up, I over think everything, and I always feel like I will never fit in. Only because I always feel like I am going to say the wrong thing in front of people, I feel like people wont like me because I am quiet and don't dance much if I go to a club. I am not sure if I am this way because I moved quite a few times and did not have time to make any real friends or what. But every day of my life it hurts because I am always hoping for a text from a girl asking to hang out, a call because someone needs me to listen, or just because. People always ask "well do you have any friends?" or the famous line "you got any girl friends". The answer is always the same...NO. I think I'm pretty...but I am socially awkward. Like there have been days where I just cry because I go on facebook and see the girls who befriended me on there saying who they are kickin it with or how they went somewhere. Then I put this big ass wall up and think to myself "this person claimed we would hang, said I was cool, yet I never get invited to any of these places". For example, I was invited a couple of months ago to a club with two girls and I debated...tried to come up with reasons not to go but I ended up going with them. I was dressed a tad bit more conservative, which in some cases isn't cool, whereas these girls were confident with what they had on. The whole time they danced and grinded on guys to every sexual song that came on, I felt like a loser just standing in the club. I wanted to go to the bathroom and cry because I froze..for 4 hours I stood in the same place in the club just looking at my clock waiting to leave. The time went by slowly because I was paying attention. Anyway, the end result was I haven't heard form this girl since then. I haven't been invited anywhere because I am a kill joy. I mean it isn't like I wanna be a kill joy but I am not comfortable with myself sometimes and I get nervous. Like the whole world is judging me and I freak out. But one thing I can say is I am thankful I have my mom....she is my best friend. I can be myself around her, she wont judge me, and she is my road dog. She has always been there..so sometimes I feel like...well I don't need any friends because she is the best and the only one I need. I know I sound like a big baby but I know there are other people out there just like me who have a pretty face but freeze up when they get around people. I mean it even happens when I get around my boyfriend sometimes, I just don't know what to say or how to act because one wrong move or I do something wrong and he gets mad I feel like the worst person in the world. All in all...I'm kind of writing this to tell you that if you are socially awkward like me, don't be...get over it. Because you will just miss out and feel like how I feel, which isn't good. I hate to toot my own horn but I feel like I am too pretty to be friendless...and socially awkward. I want to get out of my shell and be more confident but I have no idea on where to start. Men use to come up to me all the time at my job trying to show interest and I would freeze up and be an asshole. I get nervous easily and it breaks my heart that I am almost 21 and I am still like this. So whomever is reading this, and you feel like I feel, get out of your shell. Don't let your problems get to you, don't let everything bother you like I do. Instead, go out, volunteer, go to the mall and strike up conversations. Do what you need to do to feel comfortable in a social setting. Because if you have big dreams like I have....being this way will not take you far.
PEACE N LUV.